Running From My Heart by Felice Stevens

Narrated by Michael Pauley

Running From My Heart is a beautifully written, deeply emotional story about love and loss and grief, about standing still and moving on and letting go and second chances; and while the characters have suffered traumatic, life-changing experiences, it’s an uplifting story full of love and hope that shows new beginnings are possible even when it seems as though life has nothing more to offer.

Note: This is the third book in the author’s Rock Bottom series, but it can be listened to as a standalone.

Movie director Ross Miller lost his husband Dominic, an actor, in a freak surfing accident some six years previously. It devastated him, but the face he presents to the world is one of a man getting on with his life; he’s outgoing, upbeat, funny, and has a steady string of bed partners – maybe for one night, maybe a few, but never more – but in truth, he’s just hiding his pain behind a veneer of normality that fools pretty much every one (even himself, most of the time) into believing he’s perfectly fine and happy.

Novelist Arden Wainwright also suffered a terrible loss when his husband and their young son were killed in a car accident when returning from a day out. That was five years ago, and his way of dealing – or really, not dealing – with it has been to become something of a recluse; a broken man with no interest on moving on or finding something to live for, he just drifts aimlessly from day to day, and the only friend he really has is his late husband’s twin sister Liza, with whom he has dinner a few times a week, during which they talk about how much they miss Jared and Drake.

These two lost souls meet when they end up as neighbours, renting adjacent cabins in a secluded mountain retreat in the Adirondacks. Arden didn’t really want to go – all he wants is to be left alone to wallow in his misery – but his agent insisted a change of environment would do him good and it was easier to let her have her way than resist – and as it turns out, the quiet and solitary location suit his mood. He’s in the local store stocking up on groceries when he meets an attractive, overly talkative man of about his own age and realises this must be his neighbour, the “famous movie director”.After a brief conversation during which they realise they know each other tangentially and through reputation, Arden decides he can’t cope with Ross’ non-stop chatter and rudely brushes him off – only to bump into him again when he goes for a walk by the lake that evening.

After a false start (or two), and after Arden apologises for having been an arsehole in shutting down Ross so rudely, the two men move towards a tentative friendship which is underscored by a feeling of mutual attraction of the sort neither had wanted or expected to feel ever again. Slowly, they begin to open up to each other, talking about the people they lost, about their deepest fears and insecurities, and their guilt over being the one left behind. When we first meet him, it seems as though Arden is never going to be able to move past his devastation and that he’s stuck living in the past, unable – even unwilling – to try to put the past behind him and move on. But a shattering discovery – one that upends his world completely – turns out to be the impetus he needs to start emerging from his self-imposed exile from his own life, and to start working out how to find a new place and a new purpose.

Like Arden, Ross has been hiding from both his past and the possibility of a future – but in a completely different way. Where Arden chose to cut himself off physically from everyone around him, Ross has instead erected a big barrier between himself, his grief, and the wider world by adopting a carefree persona and using sex as a distraction. But deep down, he, too, is stuck in the same kind of limbo as Arden, just as grief-stricken and deeply unhappy as he was immediately after his husband’s death.

Both men have been through a lot – and have more to go through if they’re truly going to be able to come to terms with their losses and move forward. They’re complex, likeable characters whose differences complement one another; Ross is outgoing and funny with an enormous heart, where Arden is quieter and more introspective, with a dry wit and the ability to truly articulate his feelings. With the other’s support, they each gain the will to start to put their lives back together, and listening to them slowly letting go of their all-encompassing pain and grief and allowing themselves to fall for each other is delightfully bittersweet, as they learn that moving on to pastures new doesn’t mean leaving the past behind or forgetting, but rather accepting it as part of themselves as they move into a different future from the one they’d previously envisioned.

The writing is as vivid and evocative as always, and there are some wonderful moments of poignancy and heartbreak portrayed in gorgeous prose filled with warmth and a real depth of emotion. There’s a lovely metaphor for Arden and Ross’ journey that runs throughout the book featuring a breeding pair of Ospreys (whom the guys name Jay-Z and Beyonce(!)) and a strongly characterised secondary cast – some of whom prove to be more helpful along the way than others.

Michael Pauley is a narrator I don’t listen to all that often, mostly because while I can hear he’s very good, I’m not really a fan. He’s incredibly experienced in m/m romance and I know is a favourite of many, but for me, he’s one of those performers whose talent I can recognise objectively, but who just … doesn’t do it for me on other levels. By that I mean that there’s no question he’s very accomplished; he can create a range of appropriate and believable character voices and differentiate effectively between them, and he acts rather than just reading the words, highlighting what the characters are going through emotionally. But he always sounds to me as though he’s got a blocked nose (!) and in some of the more intense moments, he starts chewing the scenery; there’s a scene in the first part of this book (the one in which Arden discovers a devastating betrayal) where Mr. Pauley indulges in some truly awful overacting, and he can go over the top in the sex scenes, too, so that they become cringeworthy rather than hot. And I suspect that because I know he does that, I’m always on the alert, waiting for it to happen – and that’s not a good place to be in when you’re listening to as emotional a story as this one. But to be fair, those moments are fairly infrequent and for most of the audiobook, I enjoyed his performance. His vocal characterisations of Ross and Arden are recognisable and different, and the handful of secondary characters is clearly delineated; the emotional import of the story is very clearly conveyed, and he enhances the strong connection between the leads created by the author. Ultimately though, I think it just comes down to personal preference, because Mr. Pauley does (mostly) everything right. He’s just… not a personal favourite.

I’m still going to give the audiobook of Running From My Heart a thumbs-up, however. I was captivated by Ross and Arden’s story from start to finish, and the wonderful message that hope really does spring eternal and that new life and new love are possible, even after the most soul-crushing grief, is beautifully conveyed. The narration may not have quite hit the spot for me, but it might work better for others; if you’ve enjoyed other audiobooks by this author, this one is definitely worth your consideration.

Caz

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