Cravings of the Heart by Nicky James

Narrated by Adam Gold

Each of the books in Nicky James’ Trials of Fear series features a protagonist living with an unusual phobia. Cravings of the Heart – an angsty, hurt/comfort story featuring an age-gap/brother’s bestie romance – is book six in the series but can be listened to as a standalone, and the narration by Adam Gold is outstanding – I can’t believe I’ve waited this long to listen to him!

When twenty-year-old Arden McMillan has a dizzy spell during the day at college, the paramedic who arrives to check him over and take him to hospital is Ignatius – Iggy – Rojas, the man on whom Arden had a massive crush as a kid. Iggy is also Arden’s oldest brother Phoenix’s best friend, although – as Arden believes – they haven’t seen each other for years. He’s surprised to learn that Iggy and Phoenix are still in touch – just that Iggy doesn’t come to the house any more. That’s odd – Phoenix never mentions Iggy – and it’s only when Arden learns that Iggy is gay that he realises the truth, that his ultra-religious parents don’t approve and that Phoenix has probably hidden the fact that they’re still friends. Finding out Iggy is gay is the best news Arden has had in ages though; he’s as attracted to him as he ever was and decides to find out if there could be anything more between them.

There are plenty of reviews around that will tell you what Arden’s phobia is, but I’m going to keep it vague. (I had a rough idea before I started listening, but I enjoyed working it out along with Iggy.) Arden is keeping a big secret from everyone that is slowly killing him, but his parents are too preoccupied (he’s one of eight kids) and, frankly, too prejudiced to notice or care much. He comes off as a bit of an arsehole to begin with, but the more we get to know him and what he’s dealing with, the easier it is to understand that he’s purposely cultivated this in-your-face, fuck-you attitude as a protective screen. He uses his acerbic tongue to keep the people around him – mostly his parents and Phoenix – at a distance and to pretend he doesn’t give a shit about anything or anyone because he’s terrified of what’s happening to him and doesn’t know what to do about it. His parents are profoundly unsympathetic and made my blood boil. I have no time for religious fanatics, and certainly not ones who refuse medical intervention because they mistakenly believe God will provide, so Arden’s parents disgusted me; that they didn’t kick him out when he came out a year earlier is something in their favour I suppose, although they’re continually on at him to return to the church and pray for forgiveness for being deviant and to be restored to the ‘right’ path.

Iggy is the only person who realises that there is more to what is going on with Arden than what he allows everyone else to believe and see. Iggy is ten years older than Arden and mostly remembers him as Phoenix’s annoying kid brother, but he can’t help being interested in the sweet and funny young man Arden has become. He knows it’s a bad idea to become involved with a McMillan – the family treated him abominably when he came out – yet he’s drawn to Arden and wants to get to know him better. What starts out as friendship soon begins to turn into something else, but as they spend more time together, it becomes impossible for Iggy not to notice that there’s something not right about Arden’s relationship with food. Arden says he’s anorexic – which is what everyone believes – but Iggy doesn’t buy it. He’s a great guy and is one of life’s caretakers; while he very much wants to help Arden, he knows he can’t do that until Arden is ready, so he decides not to push him and to wait for Arden to tell him what’s going on in his own time… until it becomes frighteningly clear that time isn’t something Arden has on his side.

The relationship that develops between Arden and Iggy is sweet and lovely, but the main focus of the story is on Arden’s journey towards acceptance and healing. I loved how caring and supportive Iggy is, how he truly sees Arden and how he refuses to let him face his demons alone, but the romance seems to move fairly quickly and I wasn’t completely convinced by it. It’s not insta-love, it’s more that there’s so much else going on that there didn’t seem enough time for a romance to properly develop. I did like Arden and Iggy as a couple though.

The author presents Arden’s phobia in a sensitive way while also creating a bit of a mystery around it, bringing us along with Iggy as he picks up on and unravels the clues he spots simply through paying proper attention. The secondary cast is fairly small – I’ve already mentioned Arden’s awful parents; the other main character is Phoenix, who is also easy to dislike because he’s so ready to dismiss Arden as just a spoiled attention-seeker. He doesn’t live at home so doesn’t see what’s really going on, and it’s not until Iggy makes clear just how serious Arden’s situation is that he begins to realise he might have misjudged his brother. It’s not an overnight transformation, but he does redeem himself and convinced me that he’d changed his tune by the end. Less convincing is the last minute change of heart by Arden’s parents – I just couldn’t believe that people who were so utterly blinkered and entrenched in their world-view would change so radically and so quickly.

The performance by Adam Gold is expressive and perfectly judged, packing a real emotional punch when called for as well as delivering warmth and humour in the lighter and more romantic moments. I can’t believe I haven’t listened to him before, but you can be certain I’ll be looking for more of his work; he’s recorded all the books in this series and several others by Nicky James, so I’ll be checking those out stat. Mr. Gold has a gorgeous voice – deep and resonant – and his vocal acting is up there with the very best of them. His portrayal of the two leads absolutely nails their personalities; Iggy’s warm-toned, measured delivery has a hint of steel beneath it and perfectly depicts this caring, patient and determined man, while Arden’s voice is higher-pitched with an brittle edginess that reveals just how scared he is, and his most cutting snark is delivered with a palpable lip-curl. It’s a terrific portrayal that skilfully conveys Arden’s deep-rooted fear that his life is spinning out of control. The characterisation and differentiation are excellent throughout; Phoenix’s disdain and anger come through extremely strongly in the early stages of the story, and Arden’s parents sound so condescending and self-righteous that I wanted to scream and hit something whenever they opened their mouths!

Arden’s story is heart-breaking and his is a complex and difficult journey, but I came away from the book satisfied in the knowledge that he was well on the road to recovery and getting the support he needed. Cravings of the Heart may not be a book for everyone, but it certainly satisfied my craving for an intensely emotional tale I could become completely invested in, and Adam Gold’s superb performance takes it to a whole new level. If – like me – you’re here for the angst, you won’t want to miss it.

Caz